Hey gang, I made a VLOG for all y'all. It's taken up the better part of two days (which probably equates to 10 hours of "awake time" as I like to call it). To be safe, I wouldn't watch it at "work" or in "class" or whatever it is all you people "do."

EDIT: Blogger only allows a certain video quality (which sucks) so I uploaded it to youtube, and since it took upwards of 4 hours to upload I'm going to link to it rather than embed it. I know, I know "what is this, some sort of fucking scavenger hunt?" Yes, yes it is.

Hypothetical situation

If Doug E. Freshington, Esq. never comes back from Seoul and just stays traveling forever and then one of us visits him in like 15 years wouldn't this be a pretty good approximation of what you would expect to find?

Doug "my other gun is a tabby" Gallaher

here is some stuff about stuff

Ah well, let's see. Fuckinnnnuhhh... went to LA. Waiting for Ryan to pick me up he calls me and asks if I can go up to Departing because he accidentally went there, I can't so I wait a little longer and watch some dope get pulled over right outside the terminal, making everyone go around him. Then, said dope pulls up to me and that was my first sighting of his Hambleton in LA.

Then we go to his house which is crazy and awesome because the Rolling Stones lived there and Marylin Manson lived there and David Ferino lives there and Charlie Chaplin built it for his mistress who died there and is now this:

Alright I don't know what you people want from me. I'm bored writing this as you probably are reading this. I had fun. Fuck. We did a bunch of stuff - met my friend Matt, faked our way around USC, went to Home Depot where there are a lot of mexicans, walked through hollywood hills where there were a bunch of mexicans, went to the beach where all the mexicans sold melon, like "malone? malone? malone? malone? malone?"

But now I'm back home in Ottawa. My parents are gone and I have the whole house to myself, which is nice, but I keep forgetting that Stella isn't here - like the other day I dropped food and was like "Stella! ... Stella!... Stellllaaaa!!! Stelllllllaaaaaaaa!! STELLA STELLAAAA STELLLLLLAAAAA STELLLLLAAAA STELLA! STELLA! STELLA! SSSSSSTTTTEEEELLLALAAAAAAA! STTTTTTEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAA STELLA! STELLA! STELLA! STELLA! STELLLLLLAAAA STELLLSAAAAAA STELLLLLAAAAA! SALSA! STELLLA! STELLA! STELLLLLLLA! STELLA! STELLLLLLAAAA!! SSSTTTEEELLLALAAAAAA!

Is it night outside yet?

Riding the wave of the future

This is how I imagine Quinn on his post-grad-stumble-around-the-country-and-land-on-other-people's-couches-slash-spare-rooms tour 2011. The people behind him are running him out of the towns he has been to. Better hide out in Ottawa for a while.

Guess what I did at werk today?

That's right bitches. 370 second on expert. None of y'all can hang with the sweeping skills of WC Smitty. I implore you all, attempt to beat my time on expert. Will not happen. Actually I'm pretty sure everyone on this has macs. Except Briscoe and A. Sit. Briscoe, no problem, he simply doesn't have the cognitive capacity to sweep at this high of a level. You think dredging and dicking will help you sweep for mines, Kelly? Not bloody likely.

Now A. Sit. That is a different story. To be honest, I'd rather you didn't attempt to beat me in this as the record has shown that you are better at everything we both do/did (i.e. music, magic, et al.). So don't try. Thanks.

Also, tomorrow is the oldest octagoon's birthday (Kristin). Here is a vintage LBB pic featuring everyone's favorite recurring love interest, MC Balderson!

Happy birthday Kris!

......Aaaaaaand here is my favorite picture of all time

Seriously in love with this man right now.

-McGrits

i think someone we know could use this operation....but whom?

okay so i'm just going to post on this everyday, i mean, it's not like anyone reads it anyway

I could be talking to myself right now.

Hello?

Well Hello.

What's cookin', good lookin'?

Oh my, you really are too kind.

Well, forgive me if I am being to forward, but you are the prettiest thing I have seen in quite some time.

Oh, I bet you say that to all the Smiths.

I have never met a Smith like you before.

Oh dear, you are too much.

And on and on and on. Is that really what we want this to turn into? Some weird, psuedo-sexual narcissistic playground for me and Q to root around in? No one wants that. Have any of you talked to Quinn lately? The last thing that kid needs is more one-way outlets for his thoughts. He needs human interaction. Face-to-face, two-ways. Here is a random sampling of a conversation I had with Quinn yesterday:

"so many people doing so many thingsyou know? its like what can someone not do that someone is already doing because on the interent it is like everyone does everything and everyone has to know about that because it is the information superhighway but it is also like who reads all this stuff all the time? or do things float to the surface for the average person because i'm sitting over here and you're over there but between us is alot of space do you follow?

i am dead inside."

Chilling. I am legitimately concerned for the welfare of the great state of Colorado. God speed, John Denver, god speed.

Let's get this together. I miss peanut, what are you up to man? Hey $it Money Millionaire, where you at son? Doug E. Freshington, how about a post before you leave the country forever. Kristin, how is the life of a coffee shop manager? Is your entire staff still of the lesbian persuasion? Come on people.

More later. And that's a threat.

-Smits McGrits

If by scheme you mean tremendous opportunity to make fat cash, then yeah, it's a killer scheme

So Greg, Kelly and I are trying to get together some capital for a verrrry lucrative investment deal. All we need is around $100k to start. I'm telling you guys, this can't miss. Unfortunately due to the confidential nature of the securities which are being custom-bundled to serve our interest, we can't disclose any details except to say that we can promise 10-12% annual returns. Guaranteed motherfuckers. Pony up.

Here is what we will need from our friends:

Kristin:

I think it is high time we started cashing in on that coffee shop of yours. Since you manage the books, it shouldn't be too hard to raise somewhere in the neighborhood of $20-30k. Remember, 10-12% annual, so you just have to hide that shit for a few months, you'll have it back in dividends alone in no time. Think of it as an investment in your shop.

Q:

We need you to cozy up to those rich-ass-heck ski types. This may require you to get off your lazy ass and GTFO of Denver. Hit up all the resort towns in CO, cozy up to a cougar with a penchant for red headed step children and pilfer that old bat. I expect between $5-10k in a month or two (conservative estimate) with a steady sugar mommy income to follow.

Dennis:

Continue to "get cash daily." Send said cash to Greg. Profit.

Peanut:

I am sure you are already scamming someone out of money out there, just redirect the funds from coke and pricey North Hollywood hookers and send it to Greg.

Kyle:

Get the fuck out of Wheaton. Jesus dude, what is with that?

OK, that upfront cash plus what we have already should get us going. Our fucking troubles are over everybody, you just gotta trust your oooooold pal Smits McGrit$. And also Kelly and Greg. I know, I know, Kelly has the classic weak jaw of an untrustworthy coward. But listen, I am vouching for him, and so is Greg. Have you seen Greg's jawline recently? He looks like he could take a bunch from Teddy Roosevelt himself. That is a trustworthy man.

Anyways, you can send money and other assets to:

Greg Omolecki c/o Ponzi Inc., LLC

P.O. Box 421

Chicago IL, 60614

Later Octogoons,

McGrits

I take it no one is writing on this

because all you people only care about me. That's okay, I always figured I was the most important person in the house. Sure I had the smallest room, but face it you all lived through me and wish you were having sex with all the girls I was having sex with.

Anyway, I recently "moved" to Denver (read: sleeping on my sister Emma's couch) - it's been about the same as Chicago. She goes to work in the morning, I feverishly masturbate for 2.5 hours, then find a coffee shop, then suffer a panic attack in said coffee shop (Penn St. Perk)'s bathroom as to where my life is going. The weekend/s have been fun - PhIsH is here this weekend but I decided I hate hippies more than ANYTHING, especially vagabonds. Otherwise we head up to the mountains and go on hikes that are probably better than any hike Kevin has ever been on with that woman of his.

I did have a glimmer of hope, however, when I decided to randomly email an editor from Maxim magazine. The conversation went as such:

Dear Ms. Radvan,

First, I want you to know that I know this is a total shot in the dark. I stumbled upon an article about great summer internships, which I know is probably completely over, but with “desperate times call for desperate measures” constantly ringing in my head I thought I would try my luck.

I recently graduated from the University of Illinois and since then have been fending off questions regarding my future with “I’d like to write for a magazine,” to which people just nod their heads and tell me they have leftover LSAT books if I need them. I’m not dumb enough to think I would get a real job with Maxim, but I think that if I were hired at any level and given a small shot I would succeed. For the duration of college I was the Managing Editor and Head Writer for the only entertainment/comedy magazine on a campus of 40,000 people. Not only did I oversee the entire operation, but also published several articles on line for a wider audience.

Again, I understand this is a shot in the dark. Even more I know this isn’t the “right way” to apply for jobs, and probably won’t get an email back seeing how you are a real person with a real job, and all I’ve done today is accidently water my sister’s fake plants. But I would be happy to send my resume, writing samples, or even describe my coffee-making skills at your request.

Anyway, thanks for your time,

Quinn Myers

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Hi Quinn,

Nothing wrong with a shot in the dark! Unfortunately right now we are only taking on editorial interns for the fall semester. If there was a way you'd be able to be able to receive academic credit go ahead and email me your resume.

Good luck with everything!

Stephanie

Stephanie Radvan
Editorial Assistant Maxim Magazine
415 Madison Ave.
New York, NY 10017

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Hey Stephanie,

Unfortunately, the only way I could receive credit is if I some how convinced you that Internet University of the Internet was a real school... and maybe that I was Justin Long.

However, I was thinking that on the outside chance of this working, I would send you my resume. I guess just in case there happens to be an opening anywhere - I do have plenty of janitorial experience.

I also think I should add that I'm not some dude/writer who sees Maxim as a place to work with hot girls and thinks "I want to go to there." I'm mostly attracted to the humor, style of writing, and the overall way Maxim portrays pop culture.

Thanks again for your time,
But just getting a response kept this day from being a total failure, so thanks!

Yours,

Quinn

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Buuuuuuttttt I haven't gotten an email back. Who knows though, maybe she will remember me and pass me on and I will write for the magazine AND BE THE HAPPIEST RICHEST MAN ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

myers, out.

someone else right something... for Pete's sake.